Why Kikuyu Women are Bad Cooks………..or so you think.

Mount Kenya men have been stepped on; someone just said their women are the worst and laziest cooks. This came from the land of night runners. Let me put it across that I still do matoke and creamed spinach on a weekly. These bros aint loyal!!

 The men from Central will not stand to defend their women. No, they are busy running the enterprise, the country and the continent. Food is a small issue these side of the Sahara. In fact, it is an abomination to argue with anybody over food. An old man cannot curse you over food related issues. (Yes I know my culture).

Kikuyu men are busy people. It’s unlikely to find a one with only one source of income. If there is, he has plans to diverse his sources in the very near future. Their vision is to secure the lives of their wives, children, parents, in-laws, the clan and the country. Visioners!!

Their visions run beyond the family. It boils down to “who will be the president when my son is done with college? Security, cashless systems and all things money. Such decisions are crucial. They are made by men. Family men, each in their own capacity as head of the family. Then it is discussed; in a local bar somewhere over tusker and tumbukiza. The clan agrees on the way forward. When the decision is being made, every head is involved. The waiter, the bar manger, the cook, every man counts. That is why there is no time to marinate the meat for 38 minutes and then grill it at 52 degrees for 43 minutes. Who has the time to waste watching, monitoring and evaluating a vain thing like food?! The meat therefore is put on low heat with a little water. You can call it boiling, we call it steaming. There is freedom of choice right? Thank you…..the meat steams. 

As the big talk takes a break, add the potatoes and vegetables. Steam for a few more minutes. The nyanyas and hohos can go in at this time too. No harm, its all going to the same stomach anyway. When the talks are done, the food is ready. Tusker is a good accompaniment to tumbukiza. Keep the economy growing……keep the drinks coming. 

Back home, Mama Shiru has spent the whole day at her salon, making sure the enterprise goes on. Several clients have claimed not to be able to make their own vegetables when they get home since it’s always late and they are tired. Mama Shiru is now strategically thinking of how to convert the balcony of her salon into a “mama mboga” shade. That is another branch onto the enterprise tree. Some one will gain employment. Her cousin Wanja who just cleared high school in Muran’ga and did not preform so well will take up that job as she waits to go to college, if she ever does. If you have not realized by now, it’s not a tribe it’s an enterprise. The present decisions are made with the future in mind. 

That evening will be spent organizing where to source the vegetables in wholesale and how to get Wanja on a Nissan from Muranga to Nyamakima over the weekend. This is a busy woman. She has no time to ground spice seeds and garlic to perfection to make pilau. She has had a long day working, thinking and planning. The last thing she needs is chocking smells of garlic and sounds of pestle and mortars while you can just make simple mokimo and serve it with beef stew. Put a slice of avocado on the side and you have your man smiling all the way to bed.

This man has been busy; tough choices to make, stubborn clients, the world has been rough to him. All he needs is a motherly touch; and mokimo is a classic. Kikuyu men do not like spices either, so don’t bother, dhania will do it. Just do it traditionally perfect. Westernization is not appreciated. See what I did there? Westernization…….yes!!

These are traditional foods, deeply rooted in our culture. Colored foods that represent the fertility of our land. Food that unites a province. Serve that mokimo with all the pride in the world.

 Mean while, let the ngwashe be boiling on the jiko for breakfast. Sweet potatoes are even known to fight cancer. It’s October, you have all the reasons to boil those tubers to keep away the tumors. Have a healthy breakfast. Toasted bread wachia wazungu. You have no time to wait for a machine to pop up a slice after another. The enterprise need you.

All days will not be the same, once in a while, you can do meat fry, rice and cow peas on the side. Always thank God that you do not have to do ugali on a daily as is the case in some parts of the country.Appreciate the fact that as long as potatoes are available, you can be food secure and that maize and beans will never really be out of season. Go on, have a kikuyu meal today, food is vanity, what matters is what you do with the energy you get from the food.

And when you cross over to the other side of the slope because of love, make your man ugali on a daily, I hear its not a staple food, its the only food. All the rest are snacks. :D

Yours truly,

Member of the Enterprise.   

August

Happy new month. Its already September!! Time flies.

The silence is so loud, its valid though, its validity will be proved soon before the year comes to an end, so help me God.
August was a crazy month. Beside the project underway, ahem i had two crazy incidents that left me feeling honored to be alive.

25th August 6.30 am I board a matatu at my usual place and take the back seat. Normally, I nap all the way to town, but nowadays there is no traffic so if I nap, by the time its sweet and tempting, we are at Ngara, I hate the feeling of having to stop what has just started. Id rather not start. On this day, I chat with the person next to me. Stories were flowing and there were occasional laughs when suddenly the driver swerved at such a high speed, that every one was caught by surprise. My curiosity caused me to peep through the back window . Other than thick black smoke from the exhaust pipe and some dust, there was nothing else in the vicinity. As I turned to face in front, screams filled the air. The bus slanted on its left and I could literally feel the driver trying to frantically bring it back to stability. The speed was increasing and every one was panicking. I held the seat in front of me so tightly with my right hand. I was sure this bus would roll on its left side. My head was telling me that if it does, Id definitely be thrown over and be hit by the carriage on the right side. It was around 45 degrees over my head. I held the seat in front even tighter. Iswore if i had to be thrown off my seat, id have to go with this seat as a shield :) .What followed were three very loud bangs separated by desperate screams, people being thrown from side to side as others shouted (I was among the latter).

The matatu stopped. My knees were on vibration mode and they would not stop. I was not alone, the guy beside me was holding his knees and the look on his face would tell a million versions of the same story at the time. The vehicle had stopped but was still slanted. We alighted very carefully considering a slanted floor and shaky knees are not the best of conditions to work with . I still had not realized what exactly had happened till I stepped out to find that wen rammed into a GK land rover half way on its right side then into rails on our left. That is what stopped the vehicle from rolling. Adrenaline was top notch and it convinced me that I was in good health. I complied. I text my Madam to say that I may be late, sh*t was up and I was dead scared.

I am a true Kenyan, we move on fast. Ours is a rolling stone,we gather no moss. Across the road, we proceeded to our different money making stations. At 9.30am, adrenaline died and pain kicked in. I had several muscle strains. I could no stretch my right arm,I checked into hospital, I should have done it earlier though. I met this psycho of a doctor who was treating me with his earphones on his ears. How do they select Med students nowadays? If Id go back to campus Id be overqualified for medicine I guess. He only removed the earphones to ask me if I had heart burn and what time the incident was. Oooh plus on which road, like that would determine the intensity of pain. My leg is swollen but I am supposed to have heart burn. Come down Lawd!!

I was not in a mood to argue so I just walked out and went to another hospital,More reputable, they did a thorough check and I am well, with a few painkillers of course.

This was reason enough to celebrate and Saturday 30th was a perfect night. Main man has a crazy crowd. The night would totally rock!! We  passed through an ATM on Kimathi street before proceeding to our choice on nightly ventures, it was raining. We opted to use the rather shorter alleys between buildings to avoid the rain. Once into the alley, thee men, each in a black black hoods walked right behind us, I was last on the queue since we are all avoiding the rain and its obvious  I was the weakest target. Every time I looked back, the men looked down and they had all pocketed. I felt like I was in a movie scenario. One guy in my crowd noticed the weird stares, walked behind me and whispered "run". I am obedient, the rest of the team must have been alert, they all ran for dear lives and out of the alley. The hooded men took the next turn to the opposite direction when they realized we had smelt a fat ugly rat. That was close, we had to celebrate this life now.

And we did.........

 The DJ must have had a good August, he dropped such crazy beats I wished that night would last forever, It dint, but lasted to the end  of August because Sunday was.....lets just say inactive to be on the safe side.

Goodbye August, see you next year and please come with your manners.

Hello September..........

Baibe Tonight.........

I went home late last night. I was visiting my grandpa in hospital. The old man has to undergo a medical procedure today so Id gone there to make sure his candle was well lit, blazing like it should. We had fun and laughed a lot. He is a chief bully this guy, so  I reminded him of the many jokes he used to tell me about extremely thin people and fat too. We had such a nice time I did not even realise it was late.  Way home was no hustle since there was no traffic. Music was easy and we all had a common goal; getting home soon or so we thought.

A random guy starts bargaining the fare and saying he was supposed to pay ten shillings lower than the rest of us. It was supposed to be a secret so the conductor tells him, no need to shout . That is when I realized ten shillings still had value in this economy. The guy next to him started shouting too. " This is not fair, pia mimi nalipa ivo." The sad thing is that he had already paid his, inclusive of the ten "extra" but he would hear none of the "you have already paid " bullshit.
  He raised his voice and demanded for balance. Guys behind him had mixed reactions, some were in support (like me for a story) and others were too agitated. "Nipe kumi yangu. Huwezi kuwa sonko na kumi yangu." The conductor said he should have bargained before we left town. This guy was huge and his body matched his voice, the conductor was skinny with dreadlocks. I imagined how a browl between them would unfold, maybe the huge guy would hang the skinny one by his hair. I was having fun.

By this time, three more guys were supporting the huge guy. The conductor spoke to the driver; " horia rwibo, nyabe ndikanie na giki kimundu kuharu." (Put off the music, I first deal with this broke thing). That was it!! The guy shouted, "ok sasa kumi yangu ndio umeamua utakuwa millionaire nayo?!." guys laughed. " Wacha nikwambie, hata na ukikuyu yako yote, jua probox sio shilingi kumi na hata kama ni kumi, hununui na yangu." This guy's voice had no bitterness in it at all, he seemed like he just wanted to cause chaos, hed laugh after talking then make a serious face.

We got to the Kasarani Police Station. The huge guy demanded to be taken to the police and reported for not paying ten shillings. Guys were now becoming irritated. I was smiling hard, afraid to laugh as this guy can embrass anyone.

"Maziwa moto." Someone shouted in panic from the back seat. I wondered why anyone would carry hot milk in the matatu, now he had burnt his neigbour. " Maziwa moto" came the voice again. hahahaha those sited next to him were mad at him and at all the people who looked behind smiling. I couldn't help but laugh by now. The conductor was so irritated with this squad of passengers who seemed to have walked straight from a ward in Mathari hospital.

 Luckily, the maziwa guy had caused enough distraction for us to go past the police station but it was not enough to make the huge guy let the conductor off the hook. He said his ten bob refund had now earned interest. " Buda boss, saii ni mia, zangu zina interest." No one was paying attention to him by time, but he was like a child, he just did not stop. " Zangu ukienda nazo, utajua nyayangu ni nani." I had heard such threats in high school. Everybody's grandmother was a witch when your skirt was lost. Finally,  we were at my stage. We alighted and left the huge guy demanding for his a hundred shillings. He must be a Shylock.  The maziwa moto guy alighted with us. He was wasted, I figured it must have been chang'aa. When you take this thing, you must take a glass of milk otherwise you will sleep right outside the chang'aa den.Don't ask how I know.

I obviously needed a quiet night, but that does not exist in my son's world. I got to the office this morning and  hoped for an easy relaxed morning. All was going according to my wishes. No, it was way better. The main lady came in and put music, sweet slow music. I checked the date, its not Christmas, but its main man's birthday and the day Grandpa will have the procedure done. My siz in law should also be bringing my nephew into the world today :) in the back ground, John Legend's "Tonight" was playing. I smiled and looked up, its was about to be the best day I ever had , huh I wanted to brag until an all too familiar voice too asked " Who used my scissors?" I knew I would need maziwa moto tonight!

I Know Where Yahaya Lives

Hi good people, you are the reason I keep writing. Every smile, text message, comment on my post keeps me motivated. I feel so good to have friends like you. Thank you, I owe you so much darlings.

Have you been well? You realize I have not written in a while,  I have not been idle though. Lately I have acquired myself a new part time job. That of an events organizer. My first event is on Sunday the 13^th, hahaha nothing big, it’s a get together with my beloved cousins. It does count. Its an event, yes? No? It will be everything to write home about and the beginning of great things to come. Hence the silence. I have also been reading much, ok lets just put it as ; I have gone back to reading after a two year break, we all know why. The reading culture is also trickling down to lil man. Ooh he loves his cartoon books and every picture in the cartoon book has a name; Yetch. I also don’t get it, but hey, is that Yetch?!

On Sunday the previous weekend I had quite a lazy day. I had taken 3 cans of redds on Saturday night. Yes 3 cans of the damn mild thing gives me a whole 24hrs of laziness. Hahaha if you know me well, then this is funny but Its okey. I am getting used to the term “low voltage.” I also don’t believe it, but  what is it I refused to tell you again? 3 cans of redds will set a secret free!!

 Back to Sunday and I was supposed to join my friends for a baby shower at 2pm. I wake up looked at the time, it was 2.15. I registered it was AM, I struggle to turn my head and look up, the light from the window is blinding. Ooh Shyeettt!! Its PM. What was more disappointing was to imagine that I was less than 20 hours away from a Monday. I chose to skip the baby shower, tactfully. I said someone else was hangied and needed my care. I am a part time hangover nurse too you know. I jumped ship successfully. At around 5.30pm I remembered we had less that two units of power. 
Those are very dangerous, you have to shower with caution, iron on low voltage (love this phrase) and it makes you feel like you can watch your t.v on half screen, while the other half saves power. I was not going to torture myself in that manner so I was off to the top up kiosk. Along the way, realized that I needed to use the services of an ATM. As usual, there was a  long queue. It got to my turn, and the screen displays the “ I am out of service, got to the nearest blah blah “ statement. I have to pick a mat to the near one, (don’t give me that look, I could walk if I wanted but I cant, and it was late. Ok damit!! There is only one ATM near me). 

I got there and there is another queue, three machines in total. Two were experiencing that time of the month so they were, like; “don’t touch me”. There were five people ahead of me and guy number three is the impatient type. You could tell from the way he stood, how frequently he changed his posture,and how he clicked after every minute. He was a tad bit annoying. But that was just the beginning. It was getting dark outside and the queue was growing long, my silent prayer was that the machine does not go all moody when it is my turn. My prayer was interrupted by an arrogantly loud Nigerian song emanating from an obviously China made device. “Halo, ndio natoa, relax”. It was the impatient man. He sounded like he needed to pay a bad dept, urgently before it became worse. 

After the call he punched his keyboard like a teenager; fast and furious. Another call came in, he answered it arrogantly and earned himself some selfish looks. An expectant lady walked into the ATM lobby and she seemed quite tired. It was now Mr. Restless’ turn, the expectant lady asked if she can kindly go ahead of him. I did not expect him to be a gentleman but I gave him the benefit of doubt which he definitely did not deserve. “Niko na haraka, nangojewa!!” (Am in a hurry, I am being waited for). The lady stepped back and the next person on line allowed her a slot. As she stood there frustrated, Karma arrived to her rescue.

Mr. Arrogant and Impatient slotted in his card, he was restless and punched in his pin with so much energy. He hit the “correct” key like he meant to accept for two people. As he waited, he rhythmically but annoyingly tapped his fingers on the ATM’s top surface. That machine was so male, it hated being nagged. “ I am out of service.” I almost burst out laughing when I saw this but I remembered I was still in the queue. He got a bit annoyed, picked the card and slotted it in again. Now clicking after punching every numeral of his pin. This one took a bit longer, he sighed, his hopes rose. His phone rung again. I think that ring tone was too loud it scared away the machine. It timed out the transaction and stuck out the card like a tongue sticks out after you've take bangbang chilie crisps. He got so frustrated and hit the ATM keys with his fist. 
The people in the queue were now starting to murmur. One drunk guy shouted, “ kama huna pesa toka hapo!” (take your broke ass home), that is exactly what he meant. It was his unspoken J. I was smiling in my heart and no I am no sadist. Who refuses to excuse an expectant lady? Ok this man just tried, I assure you it does not end well.

I remembered, I was in the same queue, after two people, it would be me, but Id be ready to excuse ten pregnant ladies. Well,  as long as they do not come in a group. I think that guy was the Kenyan Yahaya. He picked up his phone and said, he is on his way with the money and they should stop calling him after every two minutes. He tried one more time amidst the oblivion of the people waiting. This time everybody was throwing harsh words all over, but dint seem to care until the ATM told him to contact the card center. Then his face was pale, he picked his card and left. Poor Yahaya, I thought, what was he going to tell his debtors? I looked up to catch the expectant lady pocketing her cash, ooh the machine was working. The guy in front of me dispensed, and it was my turn. I prayed hard for Karma not to act now, you know I had laughed at Yahaya, but Karma knows Id excuse an expectant lady any time, even if it was her J. So I got my cash. 

On my way home, I sat just near the door. Next to me was a middle aged guy who was telling his seat mate about how he has fallen in love with a gold digger. I am not so good at eves dropping but this one I had to. He said the woman was a beauty. She was as adventurous as Eve Dsouza while shooting Magical Kenya’s episodes. She wanted to travel all over Kenya and make you fall in love in different places. The problem was that she was broke and willing to do nothing about it but milk the guy. So the friend warned by his this guy sited next to me, “Be ware of such ladies, especially the light skinned ones, (offended look) they will literary milk you. All you'll hear is Chrr!!, Chrrr!! Chrrr!! As the milk gets into a bucket and by the time its drops, ul be alone my friend.” The adviser sighed. I guess he had just shared his last nugget of wisdom. “Suntom mwisho, Sunton” I heard the conductor shout. Oooh crap!! I had passed my stage, I was so much into the “ Chrr!! Chrrr!! That I did not realise its my time to Chrrr!! out of the mat. 

Chrrr!!!

Life is Good

Is life that strict that you really have to think twice about calling that person that you miss? That you cannot tell the guy at work how good they look in that new shirt because you are afraid of what they will think? Do you want to fence and channel the thoughts of the whole world to favor you?

Is life that strict that on a night out with a girl friend you still won’t have a glass of crisp clean sweet white wine?(saying this on a whole Tuesday is a bit trying). How boring a world do you envision whereby you keep wishing everybody was as unadventurous as you are? That you cannot go to that party because you had planned to spend the afternoon sleeping? Yet you still want to meet new guys, your dreams are invalid!

Is life really a series of tormenting moments? Why do we work so hard to torture ourselves to levels where we imagine to be living an upright life to please people whereas the thing is that we are making this great world a boring place to live in? You are making it hard for that guy who likes you to get to know you more just because you will not say yes to a random lunch date ; random is not your thing and you also do not know him well. How much more boring can you get? You think this article is stepping on your toe? Stop reading am about to step on your whole foot.

I have come to the realization that most people live a life that they do not enjoy at all but they hope that those around them are very happy with them. We live for the approval of the society, a society that will criticize us for both right and wrong deeds. A society that does not care about our existence.

Lately, many of my single pals want to settle down and apparently, it’s not any easy to get a serious girl or guy anymore, people have issues. I have listened to several and today, I shall teach you how to fall in love;

1.      Fall without caution.

I know of several single people who want to settle so badly, but they just won’t fall in love. For beginners, love starts when you accept that your ways and the other person’s ways will at one point merge and be common ways to both of you. Before you fall in love, accept that if he loves motor sport, you will have to enjoy this at one point. If you cannot enjoy it now, accept that love brings along compromise, you will enjoy it sooner or later, just accept to fall in love. Stop saying that he is not this, or that!! Fall in love!!

2.      Choose your poison wisely

Reject that man because he does not have a good job right now, be very afraid to walk with him at Uhuru park because the world will laugh at you for wasting all that beauty on a poor guy, finally, get married to that rich guy for money. P.S for money. Then sit back and let the world watch you as you wipe your tears with your money. Ooh by the way, remember to hoot back when the guy you rejected will drive past you in traffic with his happy family even if you will be sited lonely in your Mercedes S - class because your Mr man has been with the other woman on a business trip the last four months.

3.      Say yes

Its Friday, lets go for a drink, (You have been dreaming of this moment) you can say no and don’t be mad when he asks the girl next to you out.

You girlfriend wants to take you for a getaway (you think she is doing this to exploit you) you can say no and please be easy when her ex asks her for a weekend out.

You really admire short colored hair, your hair dresser suggest a make over starting with hair length. (You think of how much your colleagues at work will think you want to look younger so you have issues and decide to say no) well, next time you see a girl in short colored hair, don’t bother asking where it was made.

4.      Get the ruler off your life.

So he is not six feet tall? What’s height got to do with it? Except when it has to J

He is a graduate, yes a graduate in hotel management, he works in a hotel. The world will call him a waiter, a cook, so you call it off for you want a title like Pilot, Doctor and Banker. Thank you, I hope when you are married you will go to bed in your graduation gown and that your degree certificate will always be hung at the entrance to your bedroom to show how skilled and educated you are. Like it matters!! All the best.

Get the ruler off this life!!

5.      Splash that cash

If you have ever gone to a rich man’s burial and seen him being buried with his cash, then keep being stingy and keep yours, we surely shall bury you in a Gucci store. Huh!!

6.      Dump that onion!!

There are people whose lives are totally like soap operas, only that they always play the crying chick.

So are you dating a man or an onion? He beat you once sweery, Dablew Tee Eff are you still doing there? The whole neighborhood knows you are battered? Chick, put some value on yourself even dogs are not beaten by their masters without barking!!

Life does not have to be that hard, you are making it hard for yourself.

7.      Let go!!

There is this breed of girls who stick to men like glue. They are the worst hurt girls. If a man does not want you, he will treat you like trash and if you take that in, then you sorry to say are just that in his eyes - trash!! If he shows signs of chasing you, take off and do not look back. There will always be another hottie down the road. He is actually chasing you softly coz he is kind of human, and secondly because there is another woman!! It s not rocket science!!

For heaven’s sake, please do not cling!! Call it ego, pride, esteem, whatever, take that to the bank!

 When you leave, please hold your shoulders high and face up, the next guy wants to see your pretty face that the last fool could not appreciate.

8.      Shun fear

We as the on looker’s shall always criticize, even if you do the right thing. The only day we shall talk well about you is on your funeral and you won’t be there to smile, so shun fear and do your thing.

A woman’s strength is in presence of weakness and a man’s weakness is in the presence of strength. In that very fearful moment, you are at your strongest, though you appear weak, act and you will emerge strong.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

9.      Have a wild moment.

Kill routine, have a wild thought and do exactly that. A little insanity never hurt nobody.

Did you notice you pleasing yourself with all the above steps? That brings out a very confident you. Then you are easy to love.

Have a great week ahead lovelies

I have realized I was a feminist today.