The Stool Test

Picture courtesy of clandmed.com

It was my first time to have a migraine. I cannot describe the pain any better than saying it is like someone was lighting a fire on my head. It was just burning up there and it kept becoming hotter. I thought it was something to do with my eyesight or some crazy tonsillitis. You can imagine my horror when the doctor said we shall take a stool test. 

Really?! Stool test? I said headache. We shall test typhoid and other things, he said. I concluded I would have made a crappy doctor. But crappy doctors do exist nonetheless.

I was once involved in a minor car accident on my way to work and other than shock, I really did not have much pain till later in the day when my right leg started swelling and I realized I was slightly bruised. I walked into a hospital expecting to be given pain killers and maybe a pain gel. The fella had ear phones on. He would occasionally remove them, slowly take his sleepy eyes off his machine, ask a question e.g what time was the accident? Where was the accident? Which bus was it? Is it the reason why there is a traffic snarl up on Thika road?  One at a time, then he slowly would put his cheap earphones back on and hit the keyboard like his nails had just been manicured and he dint want to spoil the look. No he was not an old guy.

 I had already had an accident, I dint want to pick fights and arguments with anyone so I waited patiently for him to do his thing as I convinced myself that the doctor may need to report this accident victim to the nearest Police Post so irrelevant questions were part of a bigger plan. When he asked If I had a heartburn yet he had not even asked about the leg or even shown any signs of seeking to know whether it was the right or left leg we were discussing, I gave up on his professionalism and walked out. I guess they must have a whatsApp group called "Nairobi's Crappy Doctors" and as soon as I walked out of the consultation room, the chat must have been something like;

Crappy Doc One : Just asked a leg injury patient if she had a heart burn....lmao!!


Crappy Doc Two: Digehota! Tears.....was she cute?

Crappy Doc One: Exactly the reason for my strategy to make her stay longer and                                                   
                                     probably get a little mad, you know how light skinned mamas are cute                       
                                  when the are  mad.........hahaha. She had cute legs  btw.
                           
Crappy Doc Donholm:  Cute legs that you dint touch, nkt!! Umetuangusha!!

                            

                                                                   Crappy Nurse left 

Crappy Doc One Changed Group Subject to "Zero chills".

Where were we? So yea I went to a different hospital whose doctor was probably not a member of the above group or maybe he is the silent follower. 

Back to the stool test, I was sent to the lab for the procedure. 

I don't know why hospitals have never thought about making some of these procedures patient friendly. 

They should have a room with the containers and chats showing directions like ; 
"Stool Sample .....................> Pick clear container with a scoop like thing inside here ..................> Write your name on the label. Use toilets on the left, put a little fecal matter, return on the tray on the right. :) 

Slogan: Relax, we shall handle your shit!!

Everyone in that room would know we are here to have the fecal matter test. There wouldn't be any shame, we are fecal matter patients, we can form a whatsApp group after we get our results and share our experiences. Haha. 

Unfortunately, the truth is that you have to meet the lab guy who in most cases I assume must be a member of "Zero Chills" group. Like the guy I met had a marvin on. Are lab technicians allowed to wear marvins at work? Will some bacteria crawl up their heads and cause them to be bald at an early age thus they must cover up? I dint get it; the marvin thing. But you cant ask a lab guy personal questions, he might get offended and say you are positive while you are not, or raise his voice when he is giving you the stool container "chota stool kidogo uweke hapa." Then the kids waiting with their parents at the waiting bay will ask "Mummy, stool inaweza chotwa?" And you cant laugh because the joke is on you and about you. I also don't know why they make the stool container so small. Okay maybe so that they literally don't have to handle so much shit but really if they have to be that small, please give a manual alongside. Thank you.

As I wanted for my results I wondered how it is like to handle people's shit everyday of your life for a living. Do people actually have this passion? You grow up hoping to examine fecal matter someday? I know it is not the only examination in medical lab but it must be the most intriguing for a passion driven lab professional. I was unable to get a clear mental picture of what kind of a lab technician I would have made. 

Finally, my results were out and I was sent back to the doctor who said the test was negative but I would be put on medication to control acidity in my stomach. Fair enough I thought. As I waited to get my acid control medication from the pharmacy, the doctor called out my name. "Me?" I was just making sure I do not have a name sake in the queue. "Yes." I figured this must be another crappy doctor moment. Once inside the consultation room , he dint let my mind wander much. He said the lab technician had sent an update on my result and It was positive. Wth!!

Crappy lab technician: Just sent the second reading and its positive hahaha (insert the                                                   
                                                   tears emoji)

Crappy Doc Donholm: How long did you wait to see the result? That may be out of the                                                   
                                                  test window period.

Crappy lab technician: Oooh damn it, did I even check the test window period.

Crappy Doc One: Hahaha, day made!!


The doctor said we shall use the first result. The second one may be skewed. Because if you take the results after the test window period is over, the results are different.

I wondered whether the lab technician had noticed that I did not approve of his marvin swag. Or may be I gave him too much shit? What would make a lab technician have second thoughts about a fecal matter patient?

At this point, I realized the whatsApp group would have come in handy for psychological support. Can you imagine if a campus student was told she was not pregnant then at the hospital gate on her way out she is called back and the result is positive?!

Greetings from Rock bottom :).