I Hit Rock Bottom While Aiming for the Sky.

Focus is when you put all your energy, thoughts, hopes and aspirations in something you believe in. When you focus, you hardly hear the wind pass. You concentrate, you get immersed, lost and suddenly you are defining a new self. When you believing in something so much, you start envisioning yourself in it, with it or being it. You lose yourself.

This has been me the last two to three months. I wanted this new job position so much. I chased managers across the corridors and asked leading questions. I knew the positions were opening but I dint know when and so I kept tabs on every new change. 

When you want to find a husband, you put yourself out there. It is the same thing with finding a job. I was out there more than It is needed. :)

People started to notice me, I took part in almost all group activities, heck I even anchored the news on the t.v channel at our workplace. Yes we have t.v channel . That was a good night, that night I was on air. I was almost a celebrity overnight, people poured out hearty congratulations as others were amazed that I had the courage to do that. 

The thing is, I am told I have a misleading face. People meet me and think I am uptight and serious,probably even boring but I think they are the ones who have a problem because after sometime they actually admit it " I never knew you were this talkative, or funny or whatever else adjectives they feel like using to describe my happy self. I am used to being profiled by the seriousness on my face and I keep wondering, should I go smiling around like a smiling machine or what do they exactly mean when the say " You are too serous"?

The job positions opened up and you can bet I was first to drop in my application. Five minutes after a communication was sent that the vacancies were open, candidate number one was already waiting. I did a lot of following up weeks later to  ensure that it had actually been received. On the weekend before the interview, I locked my self indoors and read manuals and websites. I was more prepared than was required as I realized during the interview because that was the first time I had been in front of a panel that nodded when I talked and one that I actually got to interview a little because I felt like they dint pose a challenge big enough for me . They were done; I actually got myself asking "Is that all?" Where was I to take all this information on Forex, FDIs, Dispora banking and all those things? I dint want to use the next time, I dint see a next time. I walked out of that room feeling proud of myself.  

Meet the brand ambassador for the night :)
Behind that smile were tears that needed to flow.

 A week later, I was selected among other people to be a brand ambassador for the new brand. It was a great feeling, a premonition of better things to come. The wait for my interview results was painful because doubt would creep in now and then. But I held on to my faith. Word on the corridors was that I was second in ranking. My competition must have been born way earlier than I was because the only thing she had above me was experience. I was happy because number two counts too. But time went and there was no communication and finally it dawned on me that the only place to be is at the top. Average does not cut it. I was not ready for such news. I broke down. It was the day were to hold the event where I doing the brand ambassador roles. I was not happy. Behind my smile were tears that could occasionally make me visit the washrooms more often than normal. I wanted to scream and curse. I wanted to hate whom ever took my job. I was not prepared for failure. I hit rock bottom .

This post comes from a point of pain. A point where self acceptance is needed but there is not enough to give. But the pen takes away  my pain in a way I cannot explain. So I thought about; it not conclusive thoughts. They were scattered all over and they dint even care to gather and make sense. I decided to write about it. 

Because in life no situation is unique to you. Some one must have gone through the same, another may need to hear that someone like you can actually fail. There maybe one wondering why she is alone in failure. Here is to those who have aimed for the sky and fallen for the stars, we have to keep trying, better still, change strategy but we must get what we want because we deserve the best. 

This is beside the point but hey, I googled the meaning of Mihas, and this is what I found: http://www.meaninglike.com/what-does-name-stand-for/mihas timely, right?

Cheers!